Sunday, September 21, 2008
Obituary: Forever Young
Forever Young was bought in 1998 by Louis Young, and sold the year of 2006. It brought life and joy our lives. It was sold because we had decided to travel to other places around the world. I have enjoyed every moment of that but i would go back to the boat in a heart beat. We had so many unforgettable memories, and out of it we met a world of people that can change your life. The boat was home for everyone who came along each summer, it was a place of comfort. I will miss the boat like no other, but i will always be Forever Young.
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2 comments:
haha..I love this! It is an obituary for an item that was inanimate. I love the last sentence. "I will miss the boat like no other, but I will always be Forever Young" great.
I love the specific details you use, like in your list of travel experiences: “I have experienced monkeys on my head in Costa Rica, hang gliding in Brazil, and landed in a helicopter on glaciers in Alaska.”
Watch awkward phrasing like in the sentence, “Even though in this paper is nothing as exotic as these, but it is what i have enjoyed the most, through the friends you meet, and the places you become accustomed to, it is not just islands in the sea or a hot summer day it is home, The Bahamian Islands.” Read it aloud to yourself, and I bet you will hear how you should change it. Watch out for your run-on sentences, comma splices and sentence fragments too.
The poem is pretty and descriptive. The last line works.
Once you get into the story, don’t talk about what you are doing or are going to do. Just do it. So instead of, “…in this story i will be explaining how they got me to jump into the ocean with 12 sharks,” jump right into the action of showing us.
I like reading about your experience swimming with the sharks. It is both exciting and funny at the end. I also like your “favorite things” genre. Creative. However, you need to tie the shark story to the other entries about the island and the great things about vacationing there. Right now they don’t seem to relate. Remember the whole essay needs to be a story with a clear beginning, middle and end. Each genre should be the next progression of your story.
I’d make the recipe into a real recipe. Otherwise, it doesn’t really add much to your story.
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